


Blind Date

by nerakrose



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Humour, M/M, i don't know where this came from, reality show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-02
Updated: 2011-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-26 16:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/285468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerakrose/pseuds/nerakrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A variety of high profile people are roped into a Blind Date reality programme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blind Date

_The_ Sorcerer’s Screen Network _proudly presents the first ever wizarding dating show!_ Blind Date _aspires to bring together high profile singles with other high profile singles. Watch as the magical sparks of love bind them together! Six episodes, six different couples – will love find them all? Tune in on_ SSN _every Friday at 9pm to find out!_

Episode One:  
_Ginny Weasley; 1 st class Chaser for the Holyhead Harpies and Percy ~~Weatherby~~ Weasley; Junior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic_

Ginny Weasley seated herself by the table, looking curiously at the veil separating her from her date. A crew member hastily checked that the small microphone fastened to the front of her blouse was working and then retreated.

The veil was lifted slowly, revealing at first a pair of freckled hands, one of which was clutching a glass of wine, then an impeccable dress robe and finally – Percy.

They stared at each other in shock.

“WHAT IS THIS?” Ginny stood up, glaring at the host of the show. “MY BROTHER, OF ALL PEOPLE? WHAT KIND OF PERVERTS ARE YOU? WHO DID THIS? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS TRAVESTY? ARE YOU ALL UTTER IMBECILES?”

The cameras turned towards the host and his assistants, who all look mortified in the face of Weasley rage.

“ANSWER ME! WHAT IS THIS? WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU HOPE TO ACHIEVE BY TRYING TO SET ME UP WITH MY OWN BLOODY BROTHER? WHAT’S NEXT? _WHO’S_ NEXT? CHARLIE? BILL? OR GOD FORBID – RON?! WHAT –”

“Ginny,” Percy said, attempting to calm her down. “Please –”

She rounded on Percy. “DID YOU DO THIS?”

“No!” He gave her an appalled look. The host rushed over.

“Er – brother?” he asked, confused, looking between the two of them. Ginny snorted.

“As if the hair and the freckles weren’t obvious,” she scathed, “the fact that we _share a last name_ should’ve tipped you off!”

The host cleared his throat in an attempt to buy himself some time. “Last names, you say? I thought – how silly of me – I was sure that you were a Weasley!” he said to Ginny.

“I’m also a Weasley,” said Percy, long-sufferingly. “ _Not Weatherby_ , contrary to popular belief.”

“Oh,” said the host. Ginny was now tapping her foot impatiently, arms crossed over her chest. Percy swallowed down the rest of the wine in his glass.

“Ginny,” Percy said. “Please sit down?”

“I can’t believe this,” Ginny muttered, giving Percy a dangerous look. “Are you going to go along with this?”

“Of course not,” Percy snorted. “But as it is, we’re here. I’ve heard the lobster is fantastic and I wanted to ask you how Mum and Dad are doing, since I missed Dad’s birthday last month.”

Ginny stared at him. “Lobster?” she eventually said. Percy nodded and poured wine into Ginny’s glass before refilling his. She sat down. “All right.”

Percy ordered lobster for both of them.

“So, how’s Oliver doing?” Ginny asked after having recounted their Dad’s latest adventure, one involving a Muggle battery, a blow dryer and a mouse trap.

“Broke his leg at training yesterday,” Percy replied unperturbedly and put a piece of buttery lobster into his mouth. “He should be in fine shape for the match tomorrow, though.”

Behind them, the host was banging his head against the wall.

 

Episode Two:  
_Blaise Zabini; thrice widowed and Draco Malfoy; filthy rich_

Draco lounged in his chair, lazily twirling the stem of his wine glass between his fingers. His date arrived, he heard, and for a moment he contemplated having a quick look under the table to check his shoes.

He didn’t have time, however, and the veil rose to reveal an impeccably dressed man. No surprises there, then, Draco thought as he smirked at his date.

“Well hello, Blaise,” he drawled. “I see you’ve had a change of clothes since this morning. I take it the _Scourgify_ didn’t get rid of all the cum stains?”

Blaise snorted. “You ruined a perfectly good robe, Draco, and you know it.”

Draco waved his hand impatiently. “You know I’ll buy you a new one.”

The host eyed them suspiciously.

“And you know you never do,” Blaise said pointedly. Draco only smiled lazily.

“You know I don’t do it because you like complaining far too much,” he said, straightening up in his chair. “Now, Blaise, dinner? Or are we skipping straight to dessert?” He raised an eyebrow.

Blaise smirked. “And here I thought your arse had had enough?”

“And who says _I’m_ the one to bottom tonight?”

The host, who had now approached their table, cleared his throat. “Gentlemen?”

“Yes?” Draco looked up irritably.

“Er – do you _know_ each other?”

“I believe _knowing each other_ is a bit of an understatement, sir,” Blaise answered. “Draco and I are very well _acquainted_.” He smiled lasciviously at Draco, who was grinning.

The host despaired. Draco took a slow sip of his wine. “If you don’t mind, sir, Blaise and I would like to go back to our foreplay.”

“Are you _dating_?” the host blurted out, causing them both to laugh.

“Oh, heaven forbid that ever to happen.” Draco shook his head in mortification. “Just because I get on well with Blaise’s dick, it doesn’t mean I’m _dating_ him.” He shuddered.

“What he said,” Blaise shrugged and picked up the menu. “Dessert, then?”

The host walked away in a daze, muttering to himself.

 

Episode Three:  
_Luna Lovegood; editor of the Quibbler and Oliver Wood: Keeper for Puddlemere United_

Oliver looked at the table and the veil in confusion, then at the microphone fastened to his Muggle t-shirt. He drew in a deep breath, bracing himself for whatever was to come.

The veil was lifted and a very blond and dazed looking girl smiled dreamily at him.

“Hello, Oliver,” she said softly.

“Er, hi,” Oliver said, reaching over the table to shake her hand. “I’m – uhm – well, I’m Oliver Wood,” he said lamely.

“Of course you are,” she said, but didn’t volunteer her name. Oliver frowned lightly. “A Wrackspurt just floated into your ear – be quick, you have to shake it out before it makes your brain go fuzzy.”

Oliver’s head hit the table with a thud. Luna looked on with mild interest.

“I think you confused it now,” she said.

The host let his face fall into his hands.

 

Episode Four:  
_Blaise Zabini; thrice widowed and Ginny Weasley; 1 st class Chaser for the Holyhead Harpies_

Ginny glared at the veil, thrumming her fingers on the table. The host was eyeing her nervously, evidently afraid that Blaise Zabini would turn out to be her adoptive brother or similar.

The veil was lifted, Ginny glaring at it suspiciously, and revealed a handsome dark man in very fine dress robes.

“Aren’t you fetching?” the man said and Ginny glowered. He stood up and took her hand, bowing deeply to kiss it. “My name is Blaise Zabini, beautiful.”

“Ginny Weasley,” Ginny replied, drawing her hand back hastily. A blush was spreading on her cheeks.

“Will you marry me?” Blaise asked sincerely.

“I will not!” Ginny shrieked.

“Dance with me.”

“ _What_?”

“Dance with me,” Blaise repeated, standing up again.

He gently pulled her chair back and offered her his hand. Ginny took it confusedly, but didn’t stand up. “But...there’s no music...”

Blaise snapped his fingers and instantly music started playing. Ginny let herself be pulled to her feet and then into Blaise’s arms. She blushed madly, but Blaise swung her around with a flourish. He caught her and put his hand on the small of her back as he lowered her down, leaning over her with a twinkle in his eyes.

“My goddess,” he said smoothly, leaning close enough for a kiss without actually kissing. Ginny was scarlet. He pulled her back up and resumed the dancing. “Marry me,” he repeated.

“No!” Ginny replied, this time laughing.

“Promise me to think about it?” He lowered her again. “Until tomorrow?”

“How about never?” Ginny’s eyes twinkled. She was still blushing, but not as madly as before.

“You’re breaking my heart, lovely,” Blaise said gravely. Ginny laughed.

The host was clapping gleefully with his small hands.

 

Episode Five:  
_Draco Malfoy; filthy rich and Harry Potter; the Boy-Who-Lived; Saviour of the Wizarding World and top-ranking Auror_

Harry pulled at his tie, attempting to loosen it a bit. He was nervous and kept glancing around the restaurant.

Steps sounded on the other side of the veil, a chair was pulled back and wine was poured. The veil rose slowly and Harry stared at it anxiously, taking in his date’s fingers – a man, then – and cuffs and extravagant dress robe and finally, his pale, pointed face.

“ _Malfoy_?!”

“ _Potter_ ,” Draco snarled. Harry glared at him.

They crossed their arms and stared at each other spitefully. When they’d been glaring at each other for five minutes without speaking, the host stepped forwards nervously.

“Gentlemen?” he squeaked. “Would you, er, like to, er, order?”

“No,” said Harry.

“Yes,” said Draco.

Harry kicked him under the table. Draco kicked him back.

“I’m not having dinner with _you_ ,” Harry scowled.

“Just because we’re sitting at the same table it doesn’t mean I’m dining _with_ you,” Draco retorted.

“Are you always this unpleasant?”

“No, I’m layering it on extra thick for you,” Draco replied sarcastically.

The host looked from one to the other nervously. “Er, is there a problem?”

“Yes,” Harry said, “there’s a slimy git sitting opposite me.”

“You’re one to talk, _Scarhead_.” Draco kicked him right in the shin. Harry bit his tongue in order to not wince.

The host backed away slowly.

“Are you eating or are you not eating?” Draco picked up his menu.

Harry glared at him, but picked up his own menu nevertheless. “What’re you having?”

“None of your business.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Harry kicked him for good measure.

Neither spoke a word to the other during the remainder of their dinner, only glared, scowled and sneered and continued to bruise each other’s shins.

The host got onto his knees and clasped his hands together in desperate prayer.

 

Episode Six:  
_Oliver Wood; Keeper for Puddlemere United and Percy Weasley; Junior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic_

Percy was despairing. He re-filled his glass of wine for the second time in five minutes, not at all happy about where he was.

The veil was lifted and he glared at it, then froze in shock when he saw who was on the other side.

“WHAT _IS_ THIS?” Percy flailed. “FIRST THEY TRY TO SET ME UP WITH MY _SISTER_ AND THEN WITH MY _BOYFRIEND_? HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?”

The host cowered into a corner.

Oliver laughed. “Hey, it could be worse?” He nicked Percy’s glass and drained it. “How did they rope you into it for a second time?”

“They conned me,” Percy muttered, pouting. “You?”

“Same.”

“So.” Percy sighed.

“Free dinner date?” Oliver suggested. “The most expensive thing on the menu?”

Percy’s eyebrows shot up. “ _Oliver_!” He leaned closer. “That’s – that’s _rude_!”

Oliver shrugged carelessly. “Well, I think we deserve it.” He grinned, rubbing his foot against Percy’s ankle under the table. Percy flushed slightly.

“All right.” He smiled and laced his fingers with Oliver’s. Oliver squeezed his hand.

“Actually I’m not really hungry,” he said. “Dessert? I was thinking strawberries and champagne. You like champagne.”

“Yeah,” Percy said distractedly. Oliver’s foot was now rubbing his calf. “And strawberries.”

The host tore off his badge and simply walked out.


End file.
